


The Green Flannel

by accidental_amanda



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Accused Infidelity, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Break Up, F/M, HEA Guaranteed, I'm not sure how these tag things work, Rey Needs A Hug, Rey's got some insecurities, These losers need each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-10
Updated: 2018-12-10
Packaged: 2019-09-16 00:02:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16943202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/accidental_amanda/pseuds/accidental_amanda
Summary: Rey is struggling with the aftermath of her break up. She seeks solace in some fleece.





	The Green Flannel

**Author's Note:**

> This is unbeta'd so forgive me if it's trash.

It’s like there are just pieces of him scattered everywhere. His coffee mug sitting in her kitchen sink. His flannel shirt thrown on the back of her sofa. His spare phone charger plugged in next to hers in the bedroom. She really should gather it all up and return it to him. It’s been a week, he likely needs it. Instead Rey grabs the flannel off the sofa, wraps herself in it and returns to bed. Finn will likely be by tonight to make sure she’s eating and showering and being a functioning human being. But Rey doesn’t want to function, she wants to lie in that flannel shirt and let her heart bleed out for all her mistakes.

_“You’re not making any sense! Do you even hear yourself right now?! Do you hear how crazy you sound?!”_

_“I am NOT crazy and stop trying to make me sound crazy! You’re just deflecting because you know what I’m saying is true! That I’m right!”_

_“No, you’re not right! You’re being crazy!”_

Their screaming from that night echoes in her head like a distant fire alarm, and all Rey can do is pull the flannel tighter and sink deeper into her mattress.

***

As expected, Finn shows up that night with way more food than Rey can even look at right now. 

“Rose sent you some homemade pho. Super spicy, just how you like it.”

Rey can only manage a tight smile and tiny nod.

“You need to eat Peanut, you need to take care of yourself. We’re all worried about you. _I’m_ worried about you. I’ve never seen you like this.”

She feels a dull pang in her chest. She hates when people worry about her, she always has and Finn knows this. He’s trying to pull her out, but Rey doesn’t want to pull herself out. She wants to go back into bed and cover herself in that dark green flannel because that is the only thing that makes her feel like she isn’t breaking into a million pieces. 

“I’m sorry” she manages to croak out, her voice dry from disuse. “I’m ok Finn, I promise. You don’t need to worry. None of you do. I just need … time.”

He looks at her like he doesn’t believe her. And to be quite honest he really shouldn’t. He knows her better than anyone else, expect for maybe … 

_“I know what you’re doing.”_

_“Oh really? And what would that be?”_

_“You’re pushing me away.”_

_“I’m pushing you away??”_

_“Yes. You are. You’re afraid because for the first time in a very long time there is someone who got close enough to hurt you like your parents did. So instead of sticking around to be left behind again, you’re running.”_

_“Fuck you. You don’t know anything about me.”_

“I just need time, Finn.”

***

She’s packed all his things in a tiny box and she can’t stop staring at it. How could someone who took up so much space in her life be reduced to such a small box? She’s placed everything that is his inside of it, except for the flannel. She can’t bring herself to return it to him, afraid that if she doesn’t have it to wrap herself in at the end of the day then all the little cracks with get bigger and bigger until she finally shatters. _He has more,_ she reasons. _He won’t miss it. Or me._

Rey forces herself to look away from the box and make her way out the front door. She’s promised her friends to meet up with them for lunch and though she would much rather remain in her flannel cocoon, she knows they won’t leave her be if she doesn’t give them some small concession. 

As she makes her way to the small outdoor café, Rey mentally prepares herself to put on a brave face. A happy, smiling “Yes-I’m-fine-I don’t-need-you-to-stage-an-intervention” face. When she reaches the table Finn, Rose and Poe are already there. They each give her warm, tight hugs with pity in their eyes. She nearly turns around to head back home. As they settle and put in their drink orders Rose thankfully begins to launch into a conversation about something that happened at work. Out of everyone at the table Rose would know the best about how much Rey doesn’t want to talk about the break up. She had gone through something really similar herself before moving into the city. A messy, brutal breakup that she still to this day doesn’t like to discuss. Rey shoots Rose a small smile as a thank you and knows that she will get it. 

Lunch passes relatively easily after that, though Rey doesn’t manage more than a few small bites of her sandwich and couple sips of water. Finn and Rose are currently in a heated debate over who would win in a race between Superman or the Flash, when Rey suddenly can’t resist anymore. Poe has been relatively quiet the whole time, unusually so and Rey knows that’s because of her. Poe is still dating Hux and Hux is still rooming with _him_ so Rey knows that Poe isn’t saying much because he doesn’t want to be caught in the middle. But she just can’t help herself as the words spill out of her mouth.

“Have you seen – him? O-or talked… to him?”

Poe looks her in the eyes and the sympathy and sadness she sees there makes her instantly regret asking. Poe sighs deeply, “I-I don’t know, Rey. He’s …” He stares at her for a beat longer. “You should maybe talk to him yourself.”

_“I don’t even know why I thought this would work.”_

_“What are you talking about?”_

_“This. Us. I should have known it was never going to work.”_

_“And why is that?”_

_“Because you are incapable of love. You have a family who loves you, who gives a damn about you. But you’re too selfish and stubborn to even bother trying to have any kind of relationship with them, so why would I be any different? All you care about is working for that horrendous man no matter how much it ruins everything else in your life. No matter how much of a monster it turns you into.”_

_“So is that what I am to you now, Rey? A monster?”_

Rey pulls her eyes away from Poe and looks down at the table.

“He doesn’t want to talk to me.”

 

***

She should have known it would happen eventually. Their circle is so small and the lives they’ve built for themselves have overlapped in so many places, she shouldn’t be surprised when she sees him walk into the coffee shop. The same coffee shop where he held her hand for the first time, where he teased her for her penchant for overly sugary drinks so she pinched him in the ribs and found out for the first time how ticklish he is. She shouldn’t be surprised to see him here, but when he walks through the door, all dark clothing, dark hair and dark mood, Rey can’t help the sharp gasp that escapes her. 

She’s seated in the furthest corner with her laptop open, effectively covering half of her from his sight. But he doesn’t seem to be paying much attention to anything at the moment other than his mission to obtain caffeine. Rey takes the opportunity to take him in, really take him in. 

She sees how he is paler than usual, his smattering of moles and beauty marks standing out in deeper contrast. She sees his eyes have dark circles under them, and that his hair is limp. And though his frame is still large she sees that he’s thinner under his all black suit. Had she not spent hours memorizing the sight of him she may not have noticed. But she has, and she does. He reaches the front of the line and is handed his dark roast drip, if he moves towards the station with sugar and creamers he will be within a few feet of her and will definitely see her. But Rey knows that he drinks his coffee completely black, so she shouldn’t be surprised or disappointed when he quickly turns from the cashier handing him his drink and walks out. She shouldn’t be hurt at how quickly he’s gone, but she is. And she can’t help but wrap her arms around her middle and pull the dark green flannel tighter around her. 

 

***

 

It has been a month and Rey finally starts to feel more solid, like maybe she won’t completely fall apart. She gave the tiny box to Poe to be returned with all his things. Except for the green flannel that is currently tucked safely underneath her pillow. She’s on her way to meet Rose for a girls night out at the Rogue, a swanky bar that the two of them found during their senior year of college. It was a place that Rey normally would steer clear of on price alone but Rose had befriended the bartender, a surly blonde man by the name of Kaytoo, who would occasionally leave a couple of their drinks off their tab. 

As Rey settles into her seat at the bar, she doesn’t feel comfortable per se. That hole in her chest is still there but seems to be muted by the thrumming bass and Rose’s animated giggles. Suddenly a tall frame topped by a mop of dark hair catches her eye, swaying at the end of the dance floor. In any other situation Rey may have believed herself ready for this encounter, maybe even faced it head on. But currently, sitting at her favorite bar with one of her best friends Rey doesn’t feel prepared, she feels panicked. Especially because that tall frame with dark hair is currently wrapped around a curvy blonde. Her heart stops pumping blood into her veins, her lungs cease to expand in her chest, the skin along her spine flares and covers her in a damp sweat, and all Rey can do before she completely breaks is blink. Then the couple turns and the tall frame with dark hair is suddenly just a tall frame with dark hair. The nose is wrong, the eyes are too small, the lips too thin. It isn’t him. Still the damage has been done and Rey knows beyond anything else she has ever known, that she is not ok. 

***

_There has to be some kind of explanation. He wouldn’t do this to her, he loves her. There has to be some kind of explanation. She turns on her heel as she paces back into the bedroom, eyes the offending laptop and then turns back out down the hall. She turns to make another pass back towards the room when she hears the door open and Ben walks in. He looks up at Rey and smiles, the same smile he gives her every time._

_“Hey sweet-“_

_“Who is Bazine?”_

_Ben looks stunned for a second and blinks a couple times before he continues his way into the room setting down his keys on the table by the door._

_“What?”_

_“Bazine? The woman who was letting you know that she’s back in the city and will be waiting for you at her hotel? That Bazine?”_

_Ben lets out a sigh as he shrugs out of his suit jacket and sets it on the back of his recliner, the one that he never uses but Rey has spent countless hours in._

_“Have you been going through my things Rey?”_

_“No. Don’t do that. Don’t try to turn this into me being the snoopy girlfriend because that’s not what this is. You left your messages linked to your laptop. Your laptop, which I was only on because you asked me to search for flights to visit your mother next month. So no, don’t do that Ben. Don’t be that asshole and answer my question. Who. Is. Bazine?”_

_Ben rolls his neck and looks up to the ceiling, setting his hands on his hips he looks like the last place he wants to be is in this very room with her. For all she knows that’s true. He drops his head back down before he reluctantly replies._

_“She’s an ex girlfriend of mine. We dated for a while after I graduated college and had just moved to the city. It ended when she left for a new job.”_

_“Are you cheating on me Ben?”_

_Rey knows that her insecurities have led her to make poor choices in the past. Usually ones that end up hurting herself more than others. But now, in this moment, she can’t help but let those insecurities have free reign of her tongue. And she knows this is the worst thing she could have said._

_Ben looks up at her with cold anger, his shoulders starting to dip and raise as his breathing accelerates._

_“What?” his voice is tight, like he’s trying to hold back the fury and hurt that she knows he’s tasting at the back of his throat. But Rey is nothing if not stubborn and will never back down from a fight. Even one of her own making._

_“I asked, are you cheating on me?”_

_She knows that this isn’t going to lead anywhere she wants to go, but she also knows its too late._

_“Of course I’m not fucking cheating on you Rey! What kind of fucking question is that?!”_

_“The kind that comes when an ex girlfriend who I have never even heard of before invites you to her hotel!”_

_“For drinks Rey! She invited me to her hotel for drinks! To – fucking catch up with one another! When I got her text I called her from my office, she said she just wanted to get together to talk.”_

_“Oh, I’m sure all she wanted to do was talk Ben.”_

_“Jesus Rey! Where is this coming from? This isn’t you. You’re not this girl.”_

_And he’s right, he is. But that ugly feeling is still living in her gut, the one that tells her to run. The one that has lived with her at every foster home, every placement that never worked out. It’s all she’s known, and she clings to it._

_“Well you know Ben, I thought you weren’t this guy either. The guy who sneaks around talking to his ex about meeting up at hotels while his girlfriend is sitting at home none the wiser!”_

_“I’m not sneaking around Rey. And I’m not meeting anyone at any fucking hotel! I told her I didn’t feel comfortable because I have a girlfriend who I care about and I didn’t want to give the wrong impression!”_

_“Oh you care about me so much do you? Then why have I never even heard about her before huh? Why have you never told me about this wonderful ex girlfriend of yours?”_

_“Why would you want to hear about my ex girlfriend? Why would I want to talk about my ex girlfriend? That makes no goddamn sense Rey!”_

_“But it does! It does because you don’t tell me anything! You never want to talk to me about your past, about your father or your uncle or any of it!”_

_“So, because I don’t want to talk about my fucked up past with my fucked up family, that means I’m cheating on you?!”_

_“Yes!”_

_“You’re not making any sense! Do you even hear yourself right now?! Do you hear how crazy you sound?!”_

_“I am NOT crazy and stop trying to make me sound crazy! You’re just deflecting because you know what I’m saying is true! That I’m right!”_

_“No, you’re not right! You’re being crazy!”_

***

It was the worst argument they ever had. After she called him a monster, she knew that there was no going back. She grabbed her things and stormed out of his apartment, screaming that she never wanted to hear from him again. 

Fights were nothing new between the two of them. They argued over where to eat, over what to watch, over how many hours Ben worked, over Rey’s refusal to throw away any of her shoes regardless of how many holes they had. Fights were simple, easy and well known in their relationship. But this had been so much more than a fight. This was a death blow. And Rey was left with the gaping wound in her chest as a reminder. Having left the bar immediately after seeing the man who looked like Ben dancing with another woman, Rey went home and stripped down to her underwear. She then took the green flannel out from under her pillow and pulled it on, feeling the soft fabric against her bare skin. She pulled the collar to her nose trying to inhale his scent, but it was gone. The only smell that lingered on the fabric was Rey’s own. Her last tie to him finally faded away. He was well and truly gone, and it was all her fault. Then with a broken sob, Rey dropped to her bedroom floor and wept. 

Ben was right, she had pushed him away because leaving him before he could leave her seemed like the only way she would survive. But now she knows she never stood a chance. Ben Solo was bound to break her and there was no escaping it. 

She’s not sure how long she lay there in a crumpled heap, alone with only her ragged breathing and occasional hiccupped sobs. She was then shocked out of her stupor by a knocking on her door. Rey sat up slowly, confused at who would be coming to see her so late at night. Tentatively, she stood and walked into her living room as the knocking continued erratically. As she neared the door the knocking stopped. She stood there for a few moments before starting to head back to her room. Then, she heard his voice.

“Rey?”

She stood frozen as her breath caught in her chest.

“Rey, could you… could you please answer the door?”

She shouldn’t. She knows she shouldn’t. Whatever pain and desolation she feels now can only be made worse by opening that door. Still, Rey makes her way over and grabs the knob. She stares at it for so long she’s convinced he may have walked away already. But somehow deep down, she knows he hasn’t. Steeling herself with a deep breath she lifts her chin and opens the door.

And suddenly, there he is. Standing before her he looks just as he did when she saw him in the coffee shop, but she can see more now. From close up she can now see just how dark those circles actually are. How his cheeks are growing sallow and made worse by the sickly grey hue to his pale skin. His hair truly limp and messy, like he’s been running his hand through it constantly. 

Rey’s not sure what Ben sees when he looks at her now, but whatever it is it makes him clench his jaw and she sees his throat bob as he swallows. Wordlessly, she opens the door wide and step aside for him to enter. He walks into the center of her living room as she closes the door behind him. Suddenly looking at him there, in her space she feels a small part of herself settle. Slotting back into place. Even though she was wrong and they’re wrong and this whole thing is wrong, having him here with her makes her feel just a little bit more like herself and she wonders why that is. Before she can consider it any further Ben turns around and fixes her with that stare of his that always made her feel like she was the only person in the known universe. How did she forget how it felt when he looked at her like that? How did she doubt that look in his eyes?

“I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t be here. That we …” he doesn’t continue and looks at down his feet. “I’m sorry.”

Rey shakes her head but doesn’t dare say anything. She knows if she does it will be the wrong thing and he may turn around and walk out again. And if he does that, Rey isn’t sure what that will make of her. 

“I went for a walk. Wasn’t really heading anywhere.” He shrugs and suddenly looks smaller than he is. “I dunno.”

The two of them stand there, not speaking for what feels like hours. In reality it is less than five minutes. Rey wants to tell him that she’s sorry, that she regrets every stupid thing that came out of her mouth that night. She wants to run into his arms and bury herself there until it stops hurting. She doesn’t do any of those things. She stays where she is and watches him. Just grateful to have him near. 

“I miss you.” He says suddenly. Her heart starts to pound inside her throat and a rush of exhilaration causes her skin to flush. 

“I don’t know what happened. Why we ended up like this. But Rey,” his jaw clenches and throat bobs. “I have never cheated on you. I never wanted Bazine. I never wanted anyone who isn’t you. Please just - tell me you know that.”

“I do. I- ” She says, barely above a whisper. “I do know that.”

“Then why Rey?”

She shakes her head and looks down to her feet. How can she tell him? How can she get him to understand that losing him was the thing that scared her the most. That being left behind without him would possibly be the one thing she wouldn’t be able to come back from. The thing that would break her. But wasn’t that exactly what happened? Hadn’t she been living her biggest fear for over a month? So really, what was there to be afraid of now?

“You were right.” She doesn’t dare look up at him, if she does she knows she won’t say what he needs her to. “I was scared. Scared of you leaving me, just like they did. Scared of feeling like I wasn’t worth being cared about or loved. Of feeling like I was nothing. Scared of being nothing.” Her voice trails off so low she isn’t sure he heard her. But of course he did. He’s always heard her.

“You may have been nothing to them Rey. But not to me.”

She lifts her head and catches his gaze as he slowly walks towards her.

“To me Rey, you’re everything. You’re the first thing I think about when I wake up, and the last thing I think about before I fall asleep. You’re the only thing that makes me feel like maybe I can actually be better. That actually makes me _want_ to be better. You’re my reminder every day that I’m not alone, not anymore.”

He’s standing right in front of her now. Close enough to touch, to feel the warmth emanating from his body. 

“At least, I wasn’t… not when I had you…” Ben looks down again, his hair falling forward and curtaining his face.

She reaches up and with shaking fingers, gently pushes his hair back to meet his eyes. “You have me Ben. You always have me.”

“Rey…”

She isn’t sure who moves first or if they both move together but the next thing she knows their lips are colliding together and Ben’s arms are wrapping around her waist. Rey cards her finger through the hair at the back of his head, pulling him in closer, deepening the kiss. Ben let’s out a soft whimper and slides his hands down her body until they reach her upper thighs directly below her cheeks. He lifts her up and Rey instinctually wraps her legs around him, something she’s done countless times before. 

She pulls away gasping for breath, “I’m sorry.” She plants soft light kisses on his face, across his cheekbones, on his nose, his brows, the space between his eyes, anywhere she can reach. “I’m so sorry, Ben.” She can feel her tears falling down her cheeks and the tightness in her chest. “I ruined everything and I’m so, so sorry.”

Ben pulls back far enough to look at her fully. “You ruined nothing Rey. I’m here. I promise I’m still here.” And then he leaned forward to capture her mouth again with his.

A warmth begins to spread out from her chest, filling in all the cracks and splinters that she accumulated over the month since she ran. She feels herself becoming lighter and more solid at the same time. In Ben’s arms, with his lips against hers that sinking feeling in Rey’s gut that taught her how to run slowly begins to untangle itself and slip away into the inky darkness of the night. And she knows then, more than she has ever known anything in her life, that she will be ok. That she never has to run again. 

Suddenly, Ben pulls back and regards her. “Are you wearing my shirt?”

Rey smiles and lets out a small bubbling giggle, the likes of which she hadn’t though possible again. “No. This is my shirt now. “

His face splits into that roguish grin that promises all manners of delicious deviance to come. “Fair enough, as long as I get to take it off you.”

Ben smacks his hand against her ass, and with a shriek from Rey heads towards the bedroom.

**Author's Note:**

> So! This is my first venture into the world of writing Reylo so please forgive me for my noob status. I'm in the process of writing a multi-chapter canonverse but I wanted to post a one shot to get my feet wet so to speak. I wanted to go further into their reconciliation but then realized that this was over 4K long and I'm not sure how long is acceptable for a one shot. Established Reylos authors please teach me your ways!!! Any type of advise or criticism is welcome. Feel free to find me on the Tumbles and the Twits.  
>  
> 
> [Accidental Tumblr](https://accidental-amanda.tumblr.com)
> 
>  
> 
> [Accidental Twitter](https://twitter.com/accidentalreylo)


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